MTV Newlyweds makes real star of Jessica Simpson

10/14/03
From Chicago Sun-Times

A few months ago, Jessica Simpson was just another second-tier pop princess, below Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and even Mandy Moore on the bubble-gum sexpot ladder.

Simpson was almost-kinda-famous. Maybe you'd hear one of her pop confections on the radio (she's actually a talented singer), or you'd see her big giant blond Barbie head smiling from magazine layouts, or you'd read an item about her and Nick Lachey -- but it's not as if Simpson was achieving big-time crossover success. She seemed about a year away from a slot on "Celebrity Fear Factor."

But that was before "Newlyweds," the hottest show on basic cable, with much better ratings than O'Reilly and three times the viewers as Larry King.

Out of nowhere, Simpson has become the surprise breakout TV star of the season. She's more fascinating than Ozzy Osbourne, more embarrassing than Paris Hilton and funnier than all five Queer Eye guys put together.

And she's making this sensational splash simply by being herself -- a bratty dimwit.

"I know it's tuna, but ..."

When I first heard about MTV's plans to do a show about Simpson's and Lachey's marriage, I couldn't imagine that they'd be interesting reality fodder. This squeaky-clean, white-bread couple seemed about as far from the Osbournes as you could get.

But after the first episode of "Newlyweds," I started getting e-mails and calls from readers telling me I had to check out Simpson. The consensus was that saying this woman is as dumb as a box of rocks might be viewed as an insult -- to the box of rocks.

"Jessica Simpson is the stupidest woman on the planet," said one reader. "Either that or she's the best actress ever."

Around that same time, radio hosts began to play sound bites of Simpson, as she asked questions like, "Is there, like, maids for, like, celebrities?", bragged about the foul odors she was creating in the bathroom and talked about working on her housekeeping skills: "I'm working on putting the toilet paper on the thing. I don't even know what it's called."

But the classic moment, the sound bite that will be around for years as a radio staple -- was Simpson's now-legendary encounter with a bowl of Chicken of the Sea.

Jessica: "Is this chicken what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says chicken. By the sea."

Nick [as if talking to a 5-year-old]: "A lot of people eat tuna, a lot of people eat chicken, so it's like 'Chicken of the Sea.' "

Jessica: "Is that stupid? Why is it called Chicken By the Sea? Or of the sea?"

Nick: "You act like you've never had tuna before."

You simply cannot manufacture a bit that wonderful.

Where the buffalo roam

"Newlyweds" has been renewed for a second season, and I have it in permanent TiVo rotation.

I've seen Jessica belch like a Packers fan who has just downed three brats and five beers. I've heard her complain, "I have to pee!" as her husband tries to golf. I've heard her announce she's "going to drop a couple of kids in the pool," which has nothing to do with swimming and everything to do with her just having wolfed down some fast food. I've watched her explain that she won't have a buffalo wing because, you guessed it, she doesn't eat buffalo.

Jessica, on some backyard visitors: "Why were there mouses?"

Jessica, on what happens after you die: "Rigor who?"

Jessica, after learning what "rigor mortis" means: "Wow. You learn something new every day."

Jessica, discussing sea life: "Platypus? I always thought it was 'Platamapuss.' "

Jessica, after learning about the existence of the LPGA: "I bet half those women don't have boobs."

Jessica, on doing your own laundry: "It's fun putting it in, but then . . . you have to fold it. That's what I really don't like."

It's fascinating to watch this pampered 23-year-old as she struggles to handle new ideas, old ideas, any idea. And you can't help but feel for her exasperated husband as he comes to realize that even the most desirable virgin in the universe can drive you crazy if she's obtuse and pouty ALL THE TIME. This woman seems incapable of having any thought that doesn't revolve around herself. It's almost otherworldly.

Not that it's all Jessica's fault; as she explained on the show, when she was growing up, her mother never once required her to make her bed or clean her room. She's used to having things done for her, and at least she's trying, in her own pathetic way, to figure out how to use a mop and do laundry on her own.

But Simpson is such a whiny, low-rent diva that you don't feel bad about laughing at her misadventures. Regular guys dig the show because it illustrates that life with a fantasy babe isn't necessarily a dream come true, and regular gals are fans because it confirms that at least some blond bombshells are complete idiots.

This is the feel-good-about-ourselves show of the year.